he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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