the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
