walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
