i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
even my farts smell like vagina
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
