nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Actions speak louder than pants.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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