Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
