hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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