My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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