Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
there is puke in my bra ... again
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