Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
there was a trapeze. enough said
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
