Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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