Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
