The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
