im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
