fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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