I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
