my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
