My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
