I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
