I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
