I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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