Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I would fuck him just for his dog
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
