I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
