Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
