the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
We smell like vodka and hangover
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
