Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
