i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
