my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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