I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
