u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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