I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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