do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
