How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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