Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
