This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
