ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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