I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
