i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
