So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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