Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
