You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
