You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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