so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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