How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize