Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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