What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Life without a bra equals bliss.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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