take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
