I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
