I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
