I'm really into asian looking animals
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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