saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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