I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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