God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
