god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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