I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just pee around me
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
