I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
