I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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