I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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