broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
