Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
How's work?
Spinning.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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